Book Club Discussion Questions

1. When we were kids, we all wondered what our lives were going to be. What would we do when we grew up? Who were we going to be? And now here we are in midlife, and a lot of those questions have been answered. Are there parts of yourself that got buried along the way? Are there parts that you long for? How are you doing here, in the middle of your life?
2. STAY begins with an exploration of the narrator’s complicated feelings about her daughter leaving for college: a mix of grief, guilt, and a shameful sense of envy at her daughter’s position in life, where “her life stretched before her — everything possible, everything yes, everything why not.” Were you horrified to read this or do you secretly relate? Did the book’s treatment of that inner conflict as it unfolded give you insight into your own feelings and what they might mean about your choices in life?
3. STAY’s narrative structure weaves between the past and present and two storylines — the childhood story of Julie and her younger brother, Danny, and Julie three decades later as a midlife parent to Jesse, who is about to leave for college. In these two relationships, many big themes are explored — loss, grief, unmet potential, family secrets, work/life balance and motherhood. Why do you think the author structured it that way, which story resonated for you most, how did you relate to it and why?
4. The dance of parenting adult children has to be one of the hardest stages for those with kids, although strangely, it’s not often talked or written about. If things are going well, you get to sit back and enjoy and feel pleased with yourself as a parent, and that’s the greatest. But when things go south, as they do in life, you’re thrown into uncharted territory. What’s it like for you and what have you learned?
5. The search for the Meaning of Life is a recurring theme in the book. How has your perspective on this question evolved over your life? What are your thoughts about it now? Have you gotten any closer to what the point of it all is?
6. Chronic illness and depression/anxiety/mental illness are the biggest epidemics of our times, driven by COVID, social media and the state of the world. Do you have people in your life who struggle with mental or chronic illness–be it depression, anxiety, addiction or chronic illness? Or do you? What are the ripple effects on your life? Did reading about how the narrator’s journey of mistakes and lessons learned as daughter, sister and mother leave you with any thoughts about how to navigate them? How can you feel less alone? How do we help the people we love without losing our own way?
7. How do you relate to the narrator’s experience of the Mommy Wars and the choices she made? As a woman, how do you navigate the line between nurturing others and actualizing yourself? Reflect on your past choices related to your work life and how you wish to shape your next chapter.
8. Let’s talk about family secrets. Do you have any you’re willing to share? Are there parts of yourself that you hide from others? If you’re preserving your family’s privacy, how do you think it’s serving you and who is it actually protecting – and toward what end? Does your privacy ever venture into loneliness?
9. How is your past a blueprint for your life and relationships today? Are there ways you’d like to change it?
10. Do you worship at the altar of productivity? Where did you learn that value system and what do you gain from it? What do you lose?
11. Julie writes about The Committee of old men living in her head­ who narrate and legislate. Do you have one? What does it say and how can you shut it the hell up?
12. STAY is written to appeal to many audiences­ — women in mid-life, parents making hard career choices, people living with chronic medical or mental illnesses, dog lovers­­ — which audience do you relate to most and why?
13. What was your reaction to the role of the dragonfly in the book and did it evolve as you read? What are your beliefs around what we cannot see?
14. What does STAY, the title of the book, mean to you? Do you associate family and love with trauma? Did your understanding or relationship to the word change over the course of reading the book? What of this book will stay with you most and are there ways you want to use the insights you gained to change things in your life? What are they and can the members of your book club help you stay present with your wishes?

Julie loves to hear how reading STAY and especially what the impact is on you. Please email her at julie@juliefingersh.com. Also if you would like to participate in the success of STAY, which is a little book in the giant world of publishing, please leave a review on Amazon/Goodreads and help spread the word. And tell me if you’d like to organize a virtual event for your organization. For other writing, please view my articles or subscribe to my Substack newsletter.